loves me, loves me not - Chapter I

[anakiddwrites]

"Jimenyan, we shouldn't."

Ibara broke the silence in the kindest tone Hajime had heard from him so far.

"You know that."

An index finger graciously touched the bunny's lips, adding minimal distance to their very close blushing faces.

"Can you kindly move now? The floor is quite cold. ~"
 

“One, two, three… yoooosh! One more done! ~ ♪” Hajime threw his hands in the air, giggling and looking at Ibara with a proud smile. “Ibanyan, is there anything else?”

“Well done, Jimenyan! ~ ♪” Ibara clapped hands, genuinely impressed after watching Hajime lifting and placing another batch of stage props in the higher shelves of the containers. “Just two more to go! ~”

“That’s going fast ~ I’m glad!” Hajime smiled even brighter, wiping some sweat off his forehead. They were wearing light clothing, but the labour and the stiff air inside the warehouse were a bit demanding. Nothing worse than some of his party-time jobs, though. “Can you pass me the water bottle for a moment, Ibanyan? It’s hot here, ne?”

“Sure thing.” Ibara did as he was asked, his voice a tad kinder than the usual. “Thanks again for helping me with this, Jimenyan… I know it’s a hassle, but I’ll treat you to ice cream after as I promised! And I’ll never contact this useless supplier again!” He smiled a little too much while making his signature salutation, and Hajime just knew how irritated he was with the people responsible for those batches.

They had left behind a ton of stage props in the Cospro office for Ibara to take care of on his own, which sure was a hassle for the producer, but the rabbit couldn't deny these people gave him a golden opportunity to tag along and even show off a bit to Ibanyan.

“That’s not a problem by any means, Ibanyan! I’m happy to help ~ ♪ And I’m free this afternoon, so it was definitely lucky timing! I’ll gladly accept the ice cream later, though ~ hehe.” Hajime sipped the water and returned the bottle to Ibara, holding himself at the ladder he was sitting on while the other was on the floor.

“Hmhm, that’s true… when you showed up at the Cospro office earlier, it was like fate. In the end… I never asked why you were there, Jimenyan. It’s not your agency, after all.” Ibara received the bottle and took the chance to look up closely at Hajime, pleased to find a breach to bring it up.

“A-ah… about it…” Hajime felt himself caught in the act, his cheeks reddening in surprise. “I just… as I said, I have the afternoon off and I was around, so… I just thought I could show up and say hi to Ibanyan. That 's all!!!”

“Hm?” Ibara raised eyebrows, a little puzzled by that answer. “Just say hi for no reason? Jimenyan, is there something you didn’t tell me?”

“Ah… n-no, not like that… I mean, is it bad…? I know Ibanyan is busy, but… it’s been a while we haven't talked.” He looked away from those deep blue eyes staring at him. “I missed you, that’s all.”

Hajime could feel his heartbeats increasing at those simple words, even though he wouldn’t bat an eyelash if they were said to anyone else. It was easy for him to shower his friends and family with love, but… saying it to Ibanyan was like keeping a secret between the lines, even if it was genuine. Maybe the issue was being too genuine, actually.

“It’s natural to miss a friend, ne?” He added quickly with a large smile, trying to clear up any sign left in the air about his unspoken feelings. However, Ibara looked endeared and curious about the bunny’s behaviour, leaning more on the ladder and tilting head.

“Eh? So you just dropped by without warning to say hi to me? You know I’m busy, Jimenyan ~♪ The chances of finding me in the office are low and you risked the time of your day off for it?”

“W-well… I found you and it was good timing, so it’s all good, ne?” He pouted, starting to feel a bit nervous at the inquiries. “I-Ibanyan, not everything is a conspiracy, you know?”

“I know, I know ~” Ibara giggled, his expression easing a little. “I was just curious, Jimenyan. I don’t mean to bully you, especially when you are helping me. But someone going out of their way to spend time with me isn’t something that happens often.” He added with a touch of cynicism, turning to grab another batch of props.

The warehouse stayed silent for a few moments, Hajime gazing a little dreamy at the boy below him. Awkward gaps like that weren’t new among their conversations, but it didn’t make it any easier for Hajime to find out what to say.

“... spending time with you makes me really happy though…” Hajime voiced his thoughts involuntarily, just realizing it when Ibara’s eyes were staring widely at him, a rare hint of surprise in his features. The bunny froze in place, unable to find a way out fast enough to avoid further awkwardness.

The silence that followed and the pale tone suddenly washing Hajime’s face were more intriguing to Ibara than the words per se. Something about it ringed differently than usual, even though he couldn’t fully get it - just like the reason his own heart started to beat faster out of nowhere.

“Haha ~ what’s that now, Jimenyan?” He laughed, trying to play it off casually. “Are you falling for me or something?”

Ibara expected to be greeted with a loud whine and a comically embarrassed face, or maybe one of the Jimenyan’s signature light chuckles and rare snarky comments. He sure didn’t calculate to meet a deep, teared up stare and a face so flustered it was almost purple, but that sure was Jimenyan’s figure right now.

Even for someone blunt as Ibara, there was no need for additional words.

“M… Maybe…” A timid whisper broke the silence, almost like Hajime was airing his dreamy thoughts again. “Maybe I…-”

He didn’t realize his body was leaning on the unstable ladder though, losing balance suddenly and falling to the floor like a potato sack.

Fortunately, Ibara had excellent reflexes and was able to support his fall even though both ended up sprawled on the rustic warehouse floor, the rabbit on top of the producer and the ladder dropped to the side.

That could have been a funny situation if they weren’t in the middle of a moment, so the awkwardness just spiked while both stared at each other from up close, closer than ever. Hajime was sure his loud heartbeats could be heard across the entire room and that his heated up face was terribly flustered.

Ibara on the other hand looked calm, just gazing at Hajime with an unreadable neutral expression. But the bunny’s spinning mind assumed he was waiting for a move from him, a reaction, anything. Probably expecting him to stand up at once and let him do the same, but… his best judgment was numbed by those lips so close to his own and the warm breath they were sharing in the deep silence of the empty warehouse.

Still engrossed in a half dreamy state, Hajime leaned forward instead, tilting his head slightly and closing his eyes.

"Jimenyan, we shouldn't."

Ibara broke the silence in the kindest tone Hajime had heard from him so far.

"You know that."

An index finger graciously touched the bunny's lips, adding minimal distance to their very close blushing faces.

"Can you kindly move now? The floor is quite cold. ~"

Hajime didn’t mean to stay on top of Ibara like that, but he found himself entranced with the sudden proximity and captivated by that simple touch on his lips. The question prompted him to disengage and stand up quickly, though. However, once the dreamy state faded and Ibara’s warmth wasn’t at reach anymore, the self-consciousness hit him. What was he even thinking? If Ibara hadn't intervened...

“I-Ibanyan…”

“It’s fine, Jimenyan.” Ibara interrupted, standing up as well and offering a large business smile that just pierced Hajime’s heart more. A well-known “keep your distance” brand of smile that showed up every time the bunny hopped too close to the snake’s lair.

Usually Hajime was able to graciously withdraw at such moments, mindful of Ibara’s emotional boundaries and willing to obediently stay in his own lane… but this dance was becoming progressively harder to keep and the bunny could feel he was at risk of crossing a line at any moment now. More than that, he was almost looking for a chance to cross it.

“H-hmhm… I’m s-sorry, Ibanyan…” Hajime bite his lip, trying his best to process the turmoil building up in his heart.

The idol world hasn't been easy on him by no means, but in terms of affection, he had been irremediably spoiled his whole life. There was no soul strong enough to deny him a hug, a word of kindness, a smile, a head pat.

But Ibara was a strong and stubborn soul, always in control of his feelings and impulses, enough to question if they even existed in the first place. And for a flower raised in a garden overflowing with unprompted, unexpected, even unwanted affection, the smallest push back can make its petals tremble.

So there he was, pathetically begging for the touch of a snake who had him last in his priorities, if not lower… or so he believed. But the more Ibara built a wall of smiles, the more Hajime wanted to push it down, even though he could list all the reasons why he should stay on the safe side. The idol industry rules, Ibara’s shady reputation and antics, their ‘friendship’ that could barely be called as such, when he was just a nobody idol in comparison to an Eden unit member….

However, despite it all, he wanted to get closer to that dangerous garden, like a selfish spoiled brat jumping a No Trespassing sign. The opposite of the good, obedient and reasonable boy he was supposed to be.

“... but isn’t really fine…” He finally vented through teeth, still unable to face that cold smile. But the veiled darkness of that silent warehouse seemed appropriate to air things that shouldn’t see the light of the day. He might not have another chance like that.

“You know that, Ibanyan.”

Ibara took a step back, keeping the business smile on. There was no need to crush the boy’s feelings or scare him off when a heartbroken expression was all over the rabbit’s face already. Yes, he knew that much. However, Ibara was telling himself that he simply wouldn’t gain anything from forcing Hajime to hate him, even if he could make it happen - not that he cared in any way. It just wasn’t worth the effort.

Hopefully this lie repeated enough times would become the truth in his own heart and replace the annoying fear in the back of his mind.. It was complicated to admit the whole world could sneer and spit at his face and he would laugh and stick out a mocking tongue in return, but… the idea of losing that flowery bunny smile wasn’t to play around with.

And still, he was now cornered without another choice but to snip that innocent hope.

“I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, Jimenyan.” He lied. “What you ask of me, I can’t give.” He lied again. “It’s unfortunate… it’s ok if you hate me for it.” A growing pile of lies.

“D-don’t say that…?!” Hajime raised his voice, caught off guard by that answer so off the charts for his own feelings. “I couldn’t hate Ibanyan at all…!! When it 's me… who’s bothering you...”

It was Ibara’s turns to bite his own lip to stop himself from denying that out loud. Jimenyan was never a bother. Jimenyan is endearing, pleasant, adorable to be around. Overwhelmingly adorable, forcing Ibara to double his guard or he would slip in the first moment of weakness.

Even now, the rabbit’s lavender scent brings a refreshing taste of fairyland to the dull warehouse, just like it does to Ibara’s dull soul every time. An underestimated kindness that seeped through the cracks and now it was too late to get rid of it... still, Ibara was trying his best to keep it tamed and under control, so his crawling trails wouldn’t taint that sunny garden.

“Now don’t say that. You are a good boy, Jimenyan ~” He was sure he had chosen the dullest route to cease any discussion, but the heavy stare and deep silence he got in return was surely a surprise. The boy clenched fists, tensing up and holding his breath.

That was the last thing Hajime wanted to hear right now.

“... that’s... a load of crap.” The tears Hajime were holding finally washed his face, frustration taking over his expression and voice. “Ibanyan, you are so smart, you really do believe it?”

“Jime...nyan…?” His smile faded involuntarily, genuinely intrigued with that reaction. He knew Hajime wasn’t dumb or weak, but his kindness and loving soul were genuine, different from his own existence tainted in all levels.

But now, the fire in those eyes confronting him could belong to a completely different person… no, he couldn’t claim he knew Hajime enough to make such a statement, right?

Perhaps, keeping his distance would cause the unwanted slip to be unavoidable.

“A good, diligent, obedient boy that loves everyone and wants everyone to be happy… a selfless boy that always makes the right choices… that never acts selfish… that no one has a reason to dislike...”

He looked up to Ibara from up close now, taking a breath between the rushing words.

“Ibanyan, that’s really how you see me? Even now? Even though I keep… p-pushing you… for my own indulgence… making excuses… just because I want to… to be around you… with you… ah...”

Amidst the unexpected outburst, Hajime started to realize the surprised expression on Ibara’s face while he listened to those messy thoughts he didn’t dare to share with anyone else before.

Ah, what was he doing? Ruining everything and throwing a tantrum just because he couldn’t deal with a rejection in a decent manner… someone like Ibara wouldn’t have patience for such bratness, especially if he genuinely had Hajime in good regards until now.

“... sorry… S-sorry, I’m really not… a good boy…”

Disoriented and feeling the anxiety spiking, Hajime turned on his shoes to leave, his mind playing the worst possible scenarios faster than he could process in a healthy manner. But before he could reach the door, two gentle arms embraced his smaller body from behind.

“You shouldn’t go outside like this, Jimenyan. It 's not safe.” Ibara calmly whispered in his ear, nestling him closer to his own chest. The boy was obviously on the verge of an anxiety attack, his breathing uneven, body shaken and steps wobbly. He shouldn't be left alone like this.

“Follow my breath, ok? Slowly. It 's alright. Just breathe...” He brushed a strand of sweaty blue hair behind Hajime’s ear, focused on mitigating the emergency. “Do you have your lavender pouch with you?”

Hajime nodded shakily, feeling dizzy but reaching to his pouch and snorting it without hesitation. The effects were almost immediate and Ibara could feel the boy’s shoulders relaxing slowly.

“There you go…” He smiled in relief, pleased with the scent spreading around them and patting Hajime’s hair the whole time. The smaller boy leaned against his chest with a tired sigh, a cue to Ibara slide them both to sit for a little while, resting against some of the big containers. He took the chance to wipe the tears staining Hajime’s blushy face and to calm down his own nerves as well.

Obviously, he didn’t see anything Hajime said as a sin or a grave problem. Compared to him he was still an angel, but… he also should have figured that high expectations and pressure can mess with someone’s head, no matter how stable the boy always presented to him. He knew how the demands to keep a perfect good image all the time had broken many idols before and would continue to mercilessly cut out the ones mentally unprepared for that, especially when the expectations leak to life outside the stage too.

Not that he particularly cares about crushing injustices and freeing society, but… this is a fate he can’t allow to reach the boy in his arms at least.

“I’m sorry, Ibanyan…” Hajime mumbled, coming back to his senses and realizing the warehouse wasn’t as dark as his sight had been for some moments. If Ibara hadn't held him back, it sure would be dangerous to wander. “Please, forget the nonsense I said…”

“It’s fine, Jimenyan. I’m... I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have teased you like that.” Involuntarily, he nestled Hajime closer. His fears and the reason he did his damn best to keep a safe distance were just becoming reality, like he predicted.

Because he knew that once he had the bunny in his arms, letting him go would be almost impossible.

“I might have misunderstood you too, Jimenyan... or rather, I just saw what I wanted to see. There is no such a thing as a human made of pure light, even the best ones. And naturally you are human, too. It’s only obvious to have selfish desires. To want to do things you shouldn’t do… it’s nothing to beat yourself up.”

Hajime became even more flustered at such words, forgetting how to breathe for a hot second. But Ibara wasn’t pushing him away anymore, rather the opposite, so he was relieved... However, a sudden laugh caused him to look up, confused.

“Ibanyan, what’s funny now?!”

“Buuuuut, breaking rules and pushing boundaries to be with me of all people? Jimenyan, you have weird tastes. Someone like you could choose anyone who isn’t a shady snake.”

“Ahn…! T-talking like this is…!!” Hajime pouted, embarrassed and burying his face on Ibara’s chest. “W-we don’t really choose this kinda thing, Ibanyan! You know that…!!!”

Silence fell between them for a few moments, both processing everything and coming to terms with indulging in each other's warmth. It felt good, felt right… natural. The idol industry wasn’t falling apart and no one was agonizing because two young lads shared a comforting hug. So perhaps they could allow themselves to breath a little more freely, too.

“... I do know that...” Ibara repeated softly, hands running through Hajime’s silky hair and causing small shivers on the bunny’s skin. “Damn, I really do.”

Hajime looked up again, meeting a kind expression and genuine smile so rare and so precious he could cry. Once again he was driven to those eyes, tilting head slightly and cupping his cheek, moving even closer to his warmth.

This time, Ibara didn’t add any distance between them, embracing the flowery scent and the sweetness claiming his lips. He could tell he would be addicted to it very fast, even more than he already had anticipated.