[HajiMayo] The time you spend on your rose - IV

[anakiddwrites]

Chapter 4: Trouble in wonderland

 

The consequences of an intense training session are pretty much literally haunting Hajime, but not worse than his own insecurities. Mayoi is no different, but they find time to talk about a shared interest.

 Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left.

Hajime’s rhythmic steps echoed across the empty room, the sound of his sneakers slapping against the floor tiles and matching his loud breath.

Begging for mercy is absolutely a no-go. ♥

 

“I w-won’t… I won’t b-beg…”

 

Right. Left. Right. Left. Right . Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right . Left.

Under the watch of teal pupils coming from everywhere, tripping over his own feet wasn’t allowed.

 

it’s coming. it’s here.

 

The loud, slow thumps of shining spheres hitting each other announce the inescapable.

 

“ ..w-wait…”

 

His legs refused to do anything but run in the same place, trapped in the two-steps sequence.

 

“I can… I still can..!” 

 

Fallin' Fallin' 

                       Fallin' 

love

 

                                              it's a dream

 

 

WELCOME TO WONDERLAND

 

The giant pendulum hit him from behind with full force, his body thrown towards the empty darkness. He’s still being watched. Mercy is an absolute no-go.

 

CAN you HEAR the

             tictactictactictactictac t ictactictactictactictac

                                         of my heart?

 

Falling to his knees at the bottom of an endless descent, a hopscotch made of purple chalk unveils ahead. Numbered circles shining amidst the massive darkness.

 

HEAVEN ten steps forward.

 

 

“What a relief. I didn’t fall over there .”

The empty school stage keeps a respectable distance.                                         

 

WHAT'S THE TIME NOW?

I don't know

then Watch me, please

 

 

again.

 

The absolute order coming from everywhere forces Hajime to leap forward, at the mercy of the cradle echoing in the nothingness.

 

step 1

 

      step  2

                                                 step 3

                             

 

                                     step 4

 

again.

 

Back to circle one.

far from HEAVEN.

 

step 1

 

                                step 2

                             step 3

 

again.

 

step 1

step 2

step 3

step 4

step 5

 

AGAIN

 

step 1

                                                      step                         2

 

step 

 

3

 

AGAIN.

 

1 step 

2 

st ep 

3 ste

p 

6

ste

 

AGAIN.

 

HEAVEN is unreachable

 

A

G

A

I

N

 

THE CRADLE is perpetual

 

A  A A A A

G G G G G

A A A A A

I  I I I  I

N N N N N N

 

step1step2step3step4step5step6step7step8step9step

 

 

 

 

H  E  A  V  E  N 

 

The word shines in purple neon under his feet. Steps and cradles cease to move. Relief. Sweat drips to the floor.

What would happen… if I failed at 100?

A pair of unfaltering teal snake eyes and a sharp grin emerge from the letters.

 

 

let us not talk about it.

 

begging for mercy             

 

         is an absolute 

 

NO-GO

 

~ ♥ ~

 

“NO!!!!!! S-SORRY!!!!!”

The scream ripped through the darkness, followed by a loud shaky breathing echoing in the quiet room. Hajime still could hear the faint pace of the pendulum ringing in his ears while slowly regaining awareness of himself, instinctively rubbing his face and taking his sleeping mask off in the process. It was a useful prop to fall asleep faster and deeper, but unpleasant at the dawn of a bad dream.

Once again he found himself sitting on the bed and rocking back and forth after jolting awake, his limbs slightly trembling from the intense nightmare. But the final imagery of a white snake jumping on him with bared fangs slowly faded into the gentle sunbeams bathing the bedroom, grounding him faster in the calm reality. 

“Good morning…” He mumbled to himself, rubbing eyes slowly now. His alarm hadn't ringed yet, but as usual his roommates Keito and Hokuto had already left, starting their days very early in the morning. And thanks to another visit of Newton’s cradles and hopscotches in his dreams, Hajime’s day would be starting earlier again too.

“... I just hope it calms down sooner than later…” Yawning, he hopped from the bed for warm up stretches. “... at least the soreness is almost gone…”

He turned to the training sheet on his bedside with a genuine smile, his gaze resting at Mayoi’s pleasant calligraphy. Three days had passed since a hopscotch training session turned out to be one of the most intense events of his life so far, and that’s something coming from a Yumenosaki idol student. Maybe only the very first shopping spree with Bishojo-senpai (and Kira-kun) in his first year had been able to top that level of adrenaline.

And yet, it was easier to recover from the anxiety rush of a hellish dance nightmare than cope with the melancholy of his previous recurring bad dreams of an empty stage. Those would linger for hours and days on end, but now hopefully they were buried in the past once and for all, even if to be replaced with vigilant snake eyes.

“... I mean… it’s not like he’s a snake… it just… as a teacher… a-ah, I should shower, not waste time daydreaming..!” He patted his own cheeks in order to stop spacing out and rushed to the bathroom, thinking on the task he should complete before breakfast.

The first one of the neat list provided by his teacher.

 

 

“Ok… here we go...” Once clean and warmed up, Hajime grabbed the book of choice from his shelf, looking at its cover with an apologetic smile. 

He had played around with balancing books on his head before, but he never imagined it as a serious tool for idol training. Actually, he felt a little unsure of using a book this way when first reviewing the list, but… at least he didn’t need to worry about finding a good stash for the exercise.

“... could it be…” Hajime blinked, surprised with the insight popping in his mind. “... Ayase-senpai chose this exercise because he knows I have easy access to books..?” 

Perhaps a far-fetched assumption, but the impressive talent and ability Hajime witnessed at that single session were enough to humour the possibility. In any case, the thought of a lesson plan tailored so carefully for him and him only instantly warmed his heart and renewed his motivation. 

“Right…! Let’s get to work..! Posture… stance…” Stepping on the mat next to his bed, he carefully placed the book on his head. Now the challenge was to keep it like that.

“One two, one two, one two, one two…..…….. ah?! Yes! ” He celebrated at hitting the 10th step for the first time since he had started the exercise, controlling his reactions so the book wouldn’t move at the last moment.

“O-okie… now to flip around…” Hajime exhaled deeply, fully concentrating for the next move and opening arms for extra balance, his heart pounding in his ears… but once he turned his body 180º, the book dropped in front of his eyes, dooming the exercise as a failure.

“ AH! ” He bounced forward and clumsily grabbed the item with both hands, his eyes instantly tearing up - even though it was the first time he went so far. And because it was the first time he went so far.

He was allowed two more attempts before calling it a day, but… deep down he knew his motivation had crumbled after the glimpse of success slipping through his fingers. However, giving up would feel even worse, so he puffed his frustration out of his lungs and turned around, placing the book on his head again.

“... Urgh !”

As expected though, he exhausted the chances before finishing the first 10x sequence again and let his body plop on the bed to cry a little, clutching the book against his chest and staring at the ceiling.

“... Ayase-senpai told me to contact him if I don’t manage the first task in a week…” He pouted, feeling a slight chill through his spine. “... b-but… I wonder what the consequences are…”

Not only was the prospect of a new ‘hell lesson’ scary, the possibility of failing and disappointing Mayoi right off the first week was even heavier on his heart.

“... I’m gonna work harder…” He rubbed his eyes, allowing himself to vent for a minute before getting up again and finally leaving for breakfast. 

“This lesson plan is also making me hungrier… should I ask Ayase-senpai about a better diet too… huh… maybe scratch that… ah, I hope he ate my lunch properly, at least… ah ~ ♪ I know..! I’ll ask Niichan for advice on this later.” Hajime decided to bring the lesson plan with him, since a scheduled visit from Nazuna would be making that day extra special.

“It’s been a while since Ra*bits spent the day together ~ ♪ Ah, so exciting!!! I want to tell them everything…!” 

Everything except for his rooftop breakdown and the nightmares, obviously.

“Whoa, Hajime-chin!!! That was a really smooth move ~ and your jumps are extra graceful today!!! A delight to the eyes…!”

“A-ah, really?! Thank you so much, Niichan…!”

After a pleasant lunch poured with laughs and tenderness doing wonders to improve Hajime’s mood, the praise from Nazuna right at the start of practice was a beautiful surprise, skyrocketing his self-confidence above and beyond.

“I’ve been working hard… b-but I didn’t expect you would notice something so fast…! That’s impressive…” He whispered the last part, glancing at his legs and wondering how a single session of Mayoi’s training could already impact his performance. And he hasn't really noticed anything different about his body so far… except for the soreness, of course.

“I take my eyes out of you all for a couple weeks and your strength grows leaps and bounds…! Ah, Niichan is so proud…” Nazuna went on with the gushing, visibly emotional. “I know you are doing your best every day and it shows…!”

“You mentioned you had a lesson with Ayase-senpai, right?” Tomoya approached, looking impressed and thoughtful. “Shiratori-kun wasn’t really exaggerating, it seems… Well, at least not about everything, he made it look like Ayase-senpai was super scary as a teacher, but was it really any bad?”

“Haha…” Hajime smiled weakly, blinking a few times and apologizing in his mind for the upcoming lie. He wouldn’t like Mayoi to be hunted down by Nazuna. “Not at all..! Ayase-senpai is strict, but… it works, right? I can take it…!!! And I’m here safe and sound, right… ehe ~ ♪”

“Hum! Good teacher or not, Mayoi-chin will get these hands if he dares to do anything bad to you, Hajime-chin! So that’s good to know ~ ♪” Nazuna smiled in blissful ignorance, reinforcing Hajime’s decision of taking the details to his grave. “I should thank him next time we bump into each other.” 

“Me too, me too…! Mayoi-chan-senpai is really cool, I’ll thank him in our next Overnight Outdoors Party meeting!! Ah, if he shows up and all… we never know… anyway! I can always run to him to say a huuuuuge thanks and give him sweet bread!”

“Ehe… ~ thanks, everyone… Please be nice to Ayase-senpai, he really was so kind to offer his help..! I should thank him properly soon, too… and do my best to not waste his efforts. A-ah, right! Do you wanna see the lesson plan he wrote for me?!” Hajime practically bounced, completely excited to get to talk about it and causing Nazuna to raise eyebrows for a second.

“... writing a lesson plan only for you?! Mayoi-chin is really dedicated…” 

“Ehe… isn’t he so attentive to details…? It’s awesome…!” Hajime didn’t notice any hint of Nazuna’s defensive tone, even though he blushed a bit hearing Niichan wording it that way. In the end, he was very happy with the undivided attention from his senpai.

“I’m still working on it, but… here…!” Hajime showed them the lesson plan, watching their expressions turning more and more impressed as they glanced over the words. 

“... so methodic… it’s kinda bringing back complicated memories… haha…” Nazuna’s eye twitched, a bit too familiar with that brand of strictness and throwing Hajime a concerned look. But before he could ask anything on the matter, Mitsuru grabbed the paper from Hajime’s hand and brought it so close to his frowned face that it almost poked his nose.

“... this handwriting…. where did I see it before…” He huffed, seeming to think very hard about it, but Hajime just smiled without any worry in his mind.

“You are in the same circle, right? Probably Ayase-senpai wrote a list or recipe during the meetings, so you might have been reading his handwriting and recognized it now ~ ♪” He explained the most reasonable context at hand, having no reason to think it was anything deeper than that.

“... yea… could be…” Mitsuru didn’t look fully convinced, scratching his hair and staring deeply at the sheet before returning it to Hajime. “In any case, is it working for you, Hajime-chan?”

“A-ah… well… I’m… doing my best, ehe ~ ♪” Hajime tried to sound reassuring, determined to self-manage this challenge as long as possible and absolutely avoid any complaints. He would always treasure the support of his friends, but he wanted to know how far he was able to follow his senpai’s lead by himself. 

“And Ayase-senpai told me to reach out to him if I have any trouble, so it’s okay..! Besides… I’m really enjoying using books to practice, I have lots of options at hand and I can choose different ones each time… it’s not the point of the exercise, but… it’s silly, but gives me a little boost of motivation...”

“Hmhm ~ understandable, Hajime-chin, it’s not silly at all..!” Nazuna nodded and patted his head, his smile more pacified. “It’s important that the practice holds meaning for you. Huh, I guess Mayoi-chin really had everything covered… but…!!! You know you can always reach out to us, right?! Don’t hesitate on it, ever..!”

“Ehehe… ~ I know and I’m thankful, Niichan…! No matter what, you always have my back… Mitsuru-kun too, and Tomoya…kun?! Tomoya-kun?” Hajime blinked, looking around fast and surprised to find Tomoya far from the group, staring at his phone on the corner of the practice room. 

“ TOMOYA-KUN??? ”

“A-AH..!! S-sorry..! I got a m-message and…” Tomoya fumbled over his hands, shoving the phone in his bag very fast under the intrigued eyes of his unit mates.

“Is everything alright, Tomo-chin?? You look pale, did you get bad news? You’re shaking too…” Nazuna’s eyes widened in worry, but Tomoya opened a nervous smile while coming back to them.

“N-no-no, it’s alright, really…! Sorry, Hajime…!!! But I’m glad you’re working hard, I’m sure Ayase-senpai’s help will do wonders for you! I can’t wait to see more..!” He patted Hajime’s head gently, giving him an apologetic smile at recognizing his characteristic expression when feeling rejected or ignored. 

“Hmhm… t-thank you, Tomoya-kun…” Hajime whispered carefully, mustering the best smile he could despite the bitter taste in his mouth. “... are you really alright though…”

Whatever that message was, he already hated it with his whole heart.

“Right, Tomo-chin, leaving a conversation like that isn’t like you, and you didn’t have the best look seconds ago… you know you can count on us for anything too…!!!” Nazuna half scolded him, placing a hand on his shoulder for extra reassurance and genuine concern.

“I u-understand, Niichan…! And everyone, I promise it’s okay… nothing you need to worry about.” He smiled at Nazuna with more determination, then turned to Hajime with kindness in his eyes. “Sorry again Hajime, that was rude of me. Let me buy you a sweet to make up for it?”

“S-sure… you’re too kind, Tomoya-kun… sorry for shouting at you too…” Hajime brushed his hair behind his ear and looked down, feeling guilty for the agitation troubling his heart. He knew his expression wasn’t fully hiding it, even though it was taking all of his self-control to not unreasonably scream pay attention to me! Don’t ignore me! Can’t you see that’s important to me?

Even though Tomoya-kun could have been distracted because of a problem…

“It’s alright. Thanks… ~ ♪”

Behind the cutest smile, his selfishness was seeping through the cracks of insecurity.

“Riiiiiiiight. I think we all can use a sweet now, really!” Nazuna settled it, smiling and hugging both by the shoulders in hopes to dispel the sudden heavy mood. “Then we can chat more about all kinds of things. I still have lots of time for you today!”

“Yeah…! I want sweet bread…! The training made me hungry, so good timing! It’s super important to refuel sugar after practice, too ~ ☆”

“Hmhm… you’re right, Mitsuru-kun ~ ♪ And I’m happy to spend more time together with Niichan and everyone… ~ Actually, I need to ask your advice about something related to food too, Niichan…” Hajime nodded, folding the lesson plan again and taking a deep breath to clean his mind. He hasn't forgotten Ayase-senpai’s questionable eating habits, after all. 

And neither Mayoi himself could forget about it, staring at Hajime’s blue lunchbox for the Nth time in the depths of Ensemble Square.

Naturally, Mayoi was sensible enough to wash it as soon as he had finished eating three days ago, but the savory impression of the handmade rice balls still lingered in his tongue like a gentle aftertaste. Not only was the simple meal delicious, balanced and filling, it had been offered to him in an act of pure kindness, a blessing made in heaven by an actual angel bundled in a perfectly cute joyful box.

A blessing that was precisely the cause of his demise right now.

“ T-thanks, Hajime-san..! T-the food was delicious, h-here is your washed lunchbox…! … A-ah… that’s too fast, isn’t it…. and ‘washed’ s-sounds kind of crude, doesn't it? W-wait, I forgot to say hi first…!”

Pacing around one of his secret rooms while gripping the lunchbox for dear life, Mayoi stood in front of the mirror to practice the perfect script for that important mission. Returning Hajime’s kindness and belongings in a sloppy manner was absolutely out of the question, especially after the promise he had made to Aira. 

The sharp words from his junior were still reverberating in his mind.

“There’s no way in hell you're planning to just drop Shino-senpai’s lunchbox on his bed like a cryptic!?!?! And no, a note doesn't make it any better!!! Ugh…!!! Promise me you'll return it to him properly, with your own hands and looking into his pretty eyes!!! Argh… Shino-senpai handmade rice balls… handmade… and you ate it all… all by yourself…”

“A-Aira-san sounded… v-very angry at me for some reason… I had no choice but to agree, b-but he isn’t wrong either… I know that…”

He exhaled a heavy sigh, patting the lunchbox with an apologetic look. Talking to Hajime-san again shouldn't be so agonizing now, since the awkward rendezvous of first meetings were behind them. They even practiced dancing together, sharing sweat and tears - well, specifically Hajime’s sweat and tears, but...

“... I’m still a coward, aren’t I…”

Truth to be told, on top of his chronic social anxiety, finding out that Hajime was having nightmares - during one of his casual ES building night checks - just had added more guilt to the pile. The junior had asked for a serious training session and Mayoi was sure he didn’t blame him for the consequences, but it was heartbreaking to see the cute bunny squirming in his sleep, haunted by hopscotches and cradles. Not to mention the incident at the rooftop that Hajime still didn’t know his senpai was aware of.

“... there’s a lot going on…. but… I won’t be able to even start if I can’t do the most simple thing and return this…”

He looked at the mirror again, trying to smile to his doubtful reflection and taking deep breaths to ground himself. In any case, now he had an additional push from Aira and his cute and passionate unit mate wouldn’t allow the mission to fail. 

“O-okay, just a final warm up…! One more time with a smile… ~ ♪”

In the end, the evening had already set in when Mayoi wrapped up the practice, encouraged by another message from Aira pushing him on the matter.

“Shino-senpai must be at the school library doing committee work, so you still have time to return it today! I strongly suggest you take the chance… don’t make me set up a meeting on my terms to solve it, okay, Ma~yo~sen~pai? ♥ It’s rude to keep other people’s belongings for too long!!! Good luck. ♥♥♥♥”

“As they say… i-it’s better to rip-off the bandaid at once…” He mused to himself, crossing the school ceiling towards the library. Part of him wanted so badly to drop by the Ninja Association first to get a boost of motivation from Chief’s adorable figure, but he resisted and shook off the temptation with a huff. 

“N-no, not now!!! T-the mission first… Ha-Hajime-san is the priority…! M-mission! A ninja mission it is…!” Crawling forward at a fast pace, Mayoi focused so hard on the end goal that he found himself instinctively dropping from the vent in the middle of the library, landing on one knee and looking ahead.

It would be a cool image if his wide eyes didn't reflect the harsh realization that he had already failed step one.

“ NO!!! I planned to knock at the door…!!! L-like a proper persooooon! I n-need to start overrrrrrr!!! ” 

He turned on his heels to climb the ceiling again, but… his gaze met Hajime’s on the other side of the hallway, instantly freezing his limbs and the blood inside his veins. 

“Ayase-senpai! What a nice surprise!” Hajime’s sweet voice echoed in the room as he approached, welcoming Mayoi with a calm smile while carrying a pile of heavy books with ease. “How can I help you today?”

That’s it. That’s the point of no return. 

He had been caught by the librarian guardian from a fairy tale, now standing in front of him and witnessing all his sins.

“...... A-ah… agh ….” Mayoi gripped at the lunchbox since it was starting to slip from his sweaty cold hands, trying to organize his thoughts amidst the violent pounding of his heart on his ears. 

The first step had been damned, but he should be able to save the dance, right? He had practiced the script plenty, Hajime was right in front of him… and Aira was waiting for a message of ‘mission accomplished’ somewhere out there.

Concentrate, follow the script and everything will be fine.

“H-Hi, Hajime-san!” Smile. “Here is your lunchbox!” Hand it over. Gently . “Thank you very much!” Wait for his thanks.

“Oh! Did you come all the way here just to return it?” Hajime’s smile widened and he accepted the item, placing the pile of books on the floor first and looking at his lunchbox with bright eyes. “Did you like the rice balls?”

“I washed it properly so don’t worry! I-..........” Mayoi paused mid-sentence with mouth open and throat turning dry in a second, noticing Hajime’s slight confusion at his disjointed answer. “I… I.......”

How foolish of him to fail on considering Hajime would ask anything first, bursting out the script of his head without context and ignoring a completely fair question. Now he could feel his face heating up and mind blanking out of embarrassment, suddenly unable to spell simple coherent sentences.

“... ah… I noticed… ~ ♪ It’s smelling good and clean ~ ♪ ” After a few moments watching Mayoi’s visible struggle, Hajime smiled again and nodded, gracefully picking up the pace. “Thanks Ayase-senpai, you’re really considerate..!” 

“... I… I… I r-really liked it!! It was delicious!” He latched on the chance for dear life, relieved the praise was included next in the script. “T-thank you too, again, for your kindness…!”

He bowed his head, taking the chance to interrupt eye contact and get himself together a bit. That should have been one of his most awkward conversations ever and for sure Hajime noticed it, being so merciful to tag along with his broken steps and allowing him to catch up on the rhythm again.

In terms of stage improv, it would have been a beautiful save.

“Don’t mention it…! Ehe, I’m so glad you liked it! ~ ♪ It’s always important to replenish your energy after practice, hm?”

“H-hmhm… d-do not worry… ~ ♪” Perhaps that wouldn’t count as success in Aira’s book, but Hajime was smiling like a chirping bird and the lunchbox had been safely returned. That should be enough, right? So Mayoi allowed himself to smile too, encouraged by Hajime’s soothing aura.

“Ehe ~ Since you’re here, don’t you wanna take a look around, Ayase-senpai?” Hajime placed the lunchbox on top of the book pile, lifting it up again with both hands. “Are you interested in books?”

“Ah, s-sure… I used to read a lot by myself… a-and I have an interest in occultism books… and uhm, d-do you need help with that?”

“Oh, occultism? I imagined you would be a reader, but that’s a bit surprising…  it’s interesting, though! And ah, this?” Hajime looked over his book pile with pride in his eyes. “Please don’t worry ~ ♪ I don’t look like it, but I’m quite strong…! Let’s get going?”

“I-if you say so… ~” Mayoi smiled, more endeared with that cutest proud reaction than anything, following him across the halls and indeed seeing he was carrying the load without a sweat. 

“Ha-Hajime-san is an avid reader, right..? You’re in BIBLION and work here… a-ah, I know that because Aira-san told m-me…!!! N-Nothing suspicious, I swear!!”

“Haha ~ I assumed it, it’s ok, you didn’t say anything suspicious, Ayase-senpai. Those facts are not a secret or anything of the sorts.” Hajime giggled lightly, admitting that Mayoi’s worried side was endearing at times. “But yes, I love reading… No matter how full my mind might be or the problems I struggle with, a book will always offer me comfort…. Maybe it’s weird, but… I would guess Ayase-senpai gets it.” 

Hajime placed the pile of books on the big table, starting to sort them out under Mayoi’s attentive gaze.

“... I… I do get it, Hajime-san… I don’t think it’s weird at all… ~ ♪” Despite the anxiety always lurking, Mayoi found himself compelled to keep the conversation going, so he pushed through the silence. “....... a-and Hajime-san? W-what books do you l-like?”

“Ah, me?” Hajime looked up to him with sparkling eyes, holding one of the books close to his chest. “I read a lot, but you can’t go wrong with fairy tales… They are so interesting and unique…! And always give me some food for thought… I like the classics too, like Alice in Wonderland …. but there are many works I still wanna read… how about you, Ayase-senpai?”

“ Ah , fairy tales…!” Mayoi repeated almost in ecstasy, his voice full of endearment. “It suits Hajime-san, it really does…! A-ah, about me… I like the classics too… H-Hunchback, Frankenstein, P-Phantom of the Opera… a-among others….”

“Whoa, you can’t go wrong with those too, Ayase-senpai…! That’s amazing! I have read them except for Phantom so far… it’s definitely on my list…! I watched the musical, though ~ ♪”

“ Really???!!! ” Mayoi leaned closer suddenly, looking at Hajime with renewed excitement. “H-how did you like it..?! Did you like it…?!”

“A-ah… I mean a recording, of course…! I have no money to watch it live, sadly… but I did enjoy it very much…!” He sighed softly, patting the book in his hands and lowering his voice a little. “It’s so sad though… I felt really bad for the Phantom and cried the first time I watched it.”

“.... d-did you…? Even… even though he’s so evil and twisted?” Mayoi tilted his head, staring at Hajime with curiosity rather than judgement.

“W-well… I… I just think he was really lonely, you know…? He did bad things… but living hidden in the dark, ostracized because of something he couldn’t control like his face… it must have felt really scary… being lonely for so long…” 

“... Hajime-san…?”

Hajime continued organizing the books while talking, unaware of his gaze and voice distancing themselves from the present moment along with his thoughts.

“... I just felt… he was desperate to end that loneliness… and didn’t know how… -ah!? N-no! ” He pulled one of the books out of the pile absent-mindedly, making the lunchbox on top of it to roll towards the floor.

“ Wah! ” Mayoi crouched out of reflex, managing to clumsily grab it with both hands. “A-ah, catch..!” He celebrated, smiling at Hajime and standing up again to return it to him.

“... ah, t-thanks again, Ayase-senpai…” He accepted it timidly, now self-conscious and embarrassed for spacing out. “S-sorry… I started to ramble about weird stuff…”

“It’s not weird, no..! Hajime-san is really kind... loneliness is indeed a terrible thing…… Perhaps, if it was someone like you… Erik-san could have found hope…”

Hajime’s pupils widened the tiniest bit, and after a moment he offered a polite smile. 

“Ehe… you overestimate me, Ayase-senpai… I’m no heroine like Christine-san.”

“Hm…? Hajime-san…?” Mayoi blinked, wondering why the atmosphere of that smile looked a little bit off from the usually warm and earnest Hajime Shino. But it lasted only a fraction of a second before his spirits were back to normal again.

“I’m happy you understand though…! Usually people just sigh and tell me I’m too good for someone selfish like Phantom-san…” Hajime giggled softly, smiling at Mayoi. “But it’s nice… that you also think he’s not irredeemable.”

“I… I… I don’t think I have the right to call anyone irredeemable, Hajime-san…” Even if they were talking about fiction, Mayoi had the hunch he should express his genuine feelings. “Not when even someone like me had the chance to step into the light and walk among people…” People like you, he would say, but he kept that part to himself.

“Ehe… Ayase-senpai may say this, but…” Hajime brushed a lock of hair behind his ear, looking at Mayoi with tenderness and a peculiar conviction. “I believe someone like you could give Erik-san some hope too.”

“... E-eh? M-me?!” Mayoi felt his face turning fully red, stunned with those completely unexpected words and looking away in response. “T-that’s… t-there is no wayyyyyyy,,,,,,”

“A-ah…” Seeing Mayoi’s reaction, Hajime felt his cheeks growing red as well and a wave of anxiety starting to rise. “S-sorry, I don’t know what came over me… i-it’s been a long day, I must be tired and all…”

“N-no, p-please don’t apologize…!” Mayoi rushed to say, nervously playing with his braid and looking at his junior again. “It’s a-alright… Hajime-san should rest, it’s getting late… s-sorry for taking so much of your time…”

“Please don't apologize too! I’m happy we could talk... ~” He tapped on the lunchbox, able to smile a little again. “And thanks for coming all the way here for me. I’m alone in the library often, so feel free to show up anytime, okay?”

“H-hmhm… you’re too kind… I’ll m-make sure to come back…” Mayoi managed to smile too, realizing he had fulfilled the mission that was consuming him with anxiety until now and keeping up with a basically impromptu conversation in a decent manner. 

Basking in a rare moment of accomplishment and comfortable peace of mind, he turned to the table full of books with endearment in his eyes.

“Then I’m gonna… check this before I leave, if that’s ok?” He carefully picked up a special edition of Alice Through the Looking Glass , his voice a bit bashful. “I-I haven’t read this one, actually…”

“...! Of course…!” Hajime perked up overjoyed, quickly reaching for the library records. “I hope you like it, Ayase-senpai..! Please, just sign here!”

In his heart, Hajime also knew the book he would be reading next.