[HajiMayo] The time you spend on your rose - II

[anakiddwrites]

 Chapter 2: Keep your eyes on me

The next day, anxiety, insecurities, unexpected encounters and small gestures that mean a lot.

Teal wide eyes had been following the figure wearing bunny puffy sandals crossing the hallways in silent steps, head low and clutching a phone next to his chest. For a moment, Mayoi had thought it was one of the regular ghosts of the building before realizing it was one of the very much alive and familiar Ra*bits.

It wasn’t a rare occurrence, given that Hajime had trouble sleeping more often than not and would wander at night, trying to occupy his mind and relax enough to get some rest. Tatsumi-san had mentioned before how they would end up working on Gardenia until late and how he didn’t want to leave the younger circlemate alone, ending up sleepy the next morning as result too.

The phantom was already humoring the idea of slipping some treats in the boy’s milk to help him out, especially after they had such a lovely meeting in Gardenia and tended to the sunflowers together. Hajime Shino was a precious boy, deserving of everything good, healthy sleep included. And it wouldn’t be anything suspicious anyway, just some simple and effective melatonin.

But tonight there were other pressing matters at hand, as Hajime didn’t look just sleepless. Holding his breath and biting his thumb nervously, Mayoi had followed his shaky steps towards the rooftop, seeing the way he bundled himself in a corner scrolling his phone with a troubled expression and suddenly started bawling his eyes out.

The sight dropped the phantom’s heart on the spot.

“Ah… n-no.. s-sorry.. I’m s-sorry…” Mayoi darted his eyes away for a moment, struggling with his inner conflicts. It didn’t feel right to spy on that private and vulnerable moment like a disgusting worm violating sacred soil, but… but.  

Leaving a precious good boy to suffer all by himself felt like a heavier sin. Even a worm like him should know it.

So the phantom raised his head again to at least share that sadness with the bunny, no matter the reasons for it and with no intention of stepping in - not like he had any right to, when they were basically strangers. Not like he was even needed, when Hajime Shino was one of the most beloved idols in the whole ES. A single sob would be enough for people to flock to comfort him in all kindness and honesty, without questions nor judgment.

But... even so, he had chosen to cry alone in a dark lonely corner instead.

“Hhhhggg… t-this doesn’t suit you… someone like you… H-Hajime-san, what is going on…” 

Mayoi couldn’t bring himself to leave the shadows to comfort the weeping angel eye to eye, so his classic method of teaching and caring was the best option at hand if he wanted to do something. Good thing he always carried some paper and pen with him, finding also a chocolate bar in his pocket, a fateful gift from Mika he was still gathering courage to appreciate. But now it would serve a more noble purpose.

“This will do… with juuuust a finishing extra touch… weheheeh…. ~” Mayoi’s shark smile flashed in the dark, inevitably amused with his plan. If everything went fine he would be able to offer Hajime-san a proper night of sleep, so he took a deep breath and started drafting the first note.

Technically, everything did go fine. More than fine, perfect . Even though guilt pierced Mayoi’s heart enough for him to fumble his handwriting and almost withdraw the last step, he endured it, watching nervously as Hajime ate the spiked chocolate and passed out in his arms without any resistance.

So cute, so gullible and so kind. Even beneath a moonless sky, those angelic features and soft warmth were powerful enough to bring the phantom to overwhelmed tears, making him feel like a filthy sinner just for touching someone so pure.

“I-I’ll c-confess later… for now… p-please forgive me the b-boldness… angel…”

Trying his best to control his breathing, palpitations and the deepest thoughts whispering in his mind, Mayoi tamed his impulses once again and properly returned the boy to his bed, tucking him in and resisting the temptation to get closer to that soothing lavender scent. He just allowed himself to gently brush Hajime’s hair behind his ear, before standing up with a kind expression hidden in the veil of darkness.

“Ha… Ha… Hajime-san s-shouldn’t really accept candies from strangers. T-that could have been dangerooooous… p-please take care from now on… Good night… ♪  ” 

A mix of guilt, malice and genuine care flooded his soul as he walked backwards, eyes fixated on the sleeping boy until blending with the shadows of paths only known by fairies and ghosts.

Blissfully unaware in his slumber, a light smile was the only sign Hajime was feeling safe and comfortable, free from bad dreams and sorrow thanks to the spell of a phantom fairy.

“Hhhgggg…. w-what have I d-done…”

Unfortunately, Mayoi was also unaware of his own success, waking up doomed by a wave of overthinking and anxiety the next morning, all left for him once the thrill and joy had worn off. 

Even though he had collected the paper planes to disappear with any evidence, his mind was trying to convince him Hajime was going to find out anyway, feel disgusted, hate him, tell him off to Eichi Tenshouin, make him fired, ALKALOID disbanded…

“HGGGGHHHH!!!!, I’m sooooorry, I’m sooorry, I’m s-so soooorryyyy,,,,, I’m the w-worst, p-please don’t… punish the otherssss,,,, I’m the one at f-fauuuult! Soooorry,,,.....”

Obviously, he didn’t show up at school, too busy mulling over his fears hidden in the darkest corner he could find in the building. But he knew that sooner or later his friends would look for him and drag him back from the pits of despair, one way or another. Even if he whined and claimed he was done for, they would smile and say they would find a way together, that everything would work out… like they did many times before.

Ayase Mayoi wasn’t a disposable existence forgotten by the world anymore, a reality that still scared him to some extent, but undeniable nonetheless.

“R-right… I… booked the practice room for today… at the very last… ah… I’m sorry…”

Little by little, he was able to parse his thoughts and feelings more properly. Hiding like a coward would just burden ALKALOID further and such perspective was even more soul-crushing than the guilt lingering in his heart for helping Hajime out and feeling happy about it despite his methods. He really didn’t deserve any praise, but…

Reaching the lavender sachet in his belongings and holding it like a fragile treasure, he didn’t dare to do anything but gaze at it with love, reminded of the boy’s gentle smile. That’s right, someone kind and understanding like him wouldn’t seek revenge or punishment just because… it was unfair to put him in that position because his own negative feelings were out of control.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry I’m like this…”

Some mornings are just harder than others, another undeniable reality for Ayase Mayoi. But the memory of the gentle bunny bawling his eyes out alone on the cold rooftop also reminded him he wasn’t the only one struggling and doing their best to stand on their feet again and again in such a harsh world.

“I h-hope he wakes up feeling better… ah, I’m sorry…”

Ultimately, he was satisfied to be able to go to practice after munching some fruit gummies for “lunch”. At least Aira and Hiiro had a study session and Tatsumi was running errands for the church, so he could use the time to settle without worries before meeting them later. 

“Ah, I’m glad… I could make it in the end…” 

Even if they weren’t deep into debt anymore, wasting the booking wouldn’t look good for the unit, so Mayoi smiled in sincere relief while starting his warm up routine. Hopefully, focusing on training and exercising would help to shove his ghosts away too - a healthy body makes the mind healthier too, like Tatsumi-san would say.

“It’s not like I need to see Hajime-san anytime soon anyway… it’s not hard or rude to avoid him just by sticking to my routine, at least until this incident is forgotten-”

“Ayase… senpai?”

“...........................”

Apparently, even auditory hallucinations were trying to trick him into hearing Hajime’s timid voice at the door. At least he tried to convince himself of that explanation, despite his body freezing up in the middle of a step, refusing to turn around out of sheer fear.

“... a-ah… am I… in the wrong room…? No, it can’t be… ah, excuse me…”

But reality didn’t give him a break, bringing more of that soft voice along with shy steps tapping the floor. Feeling the gaze on him from behind, Mayoi’s body started to shake like a despicable sinner at the mercy of divine judgment.

And once the slightest poke of a finger touched the middle of his back, he was ready to evaporate from the face of the Earth.

“YUUCK!! I’M SORRY IM SORRY IM SOOOORRYYYYY,,,,,,!!  I’M REALLY SOOOOORRY!!!!”

“WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH??!?!? AYAAAASEEEENNNNPAI? SORRYSORRY SORRY I DDDINT MEAN TO SCARYOOOU!!!”

The touch startled Mayoi and his screams scared Hajime in return, resulting in both hitting the floor on their knees, bowing and shaking like terrified bunnies. But after some seconds of confusion and tension, they lifted up their heads just to find the other equally pale and teary-eyed, blinking in awkward silence.

“Ah… ha… hahaha….” Hajime was the first one to break the silence with a light chuckle, realizing what had happened and taking a deep breath to calm down. 

“... a…. weh… whehehe….” The bunny’s genuine smile and the cute blush spreading on his round cheeks worked wonders to make Mayoi smile and chuckle timidly as well, despite his trembling hands. 

It was like those bright purple eyes could forgive every sin in the world, even his deeply tainted soul. 

“S-sorry again… for scaring you, Ayase-senpai…” Hajime repeated calmly, offering him a lavender sachet while sniffing his own too. Just watching the bunny doing it was a joy, but Mayoi wouldn’t refuse the gift and followed the gesture, just like he did during the Gardenia incident a few days ago. Such a simple thing could really be a godsend blessing for troubled minds.

“N-no, it’s!! … N-N-Not your fault, Ha-Hajime-san… I’m s-sorry too… hm…” Mayoi hugged himself, still haunted by guilt and fear. But perhaps the best was to get it over with at once, without running away. 

“... Do.. Do you have… s-s-something to talk to me about…?”

“Hm?” Hajime blinked, tilting his head and visibly confused. “N-not exactly, I… I just came to practice, I had booked the slot for today… so I was surprised to find the room occupied… ah, did I make a mistake?”

Hajime fussed over his own pockets, reaching his phone to check the Handholds app where everyone scheduled their lessons. Mayoi did the same, now as confused as him and blushing completely in shame when reviewing his calendar. 

“... you… d-did not… Hajime-san…” He exhaled deeply, hiding his face behind his hand and showing the screen of his phone. 

“I… I’m… I saw it wrong… My booking is for t-tomorrow ... a-ah… s-sorry… h-how shameful, sorry for the trouble…!!!!” In a second, his soul left his body and he just wished to find a hole to bury himself forever. How did he make such a crass mistake? 

All he could do was force himself to get up and leave the room as fast as possible, but he was stopped by a smaller hand holding his wrist firmly and making him freeze on the spot once again, barely processing it.

“ N-no, wait! I.. I mean…” Hajime stuttered, still sitting on his knees and staring at the floor in embarrassment for the impulsive gesture. “I-if you don’t mind… I mean, the room is big… and I’m alone anyway… haha…”

Finding strength to stand up without letting go of the senpai yet, Hajime managed to offer him a pleading smile.

“I don’t mind sharing…! This kind of thing happens, Ayase-senpai, I can totally see myself doing it too… we always have a lot in our minds, after all… I wouldn’t feel good if you wasted your afternoon, too. I m-mean, if you want to, of course! I don’t wanna bother… w-we can just shift if you prefer to be alone, I can come tomorrow!”

“... Hajime-san…”

Mayoi couldn’t answer immediately, caught up in Hajime’s genuine attempt to accommodate him despite his mistake. It would be notable in any case, but fully knowing how the boy struggled last night just to smile and be so considerate right now… it struck an extra chord of admiration inside the phantom.

Besides, how could he deny anything those cute eyes asked him to do?

“Y-you aren’t a bother!! And I don’t mind sharing at all!!! T-thank you! Thanks for your kindness Ha-Hajime-san I’ll be sure to repay it!!!” He was able to smile, bowing enthusiastically and talking in a more cheerful manner that relieved Hajime as well. 

“Haha… ~ ♪ It’s not a big deal, please. We are all idols and coworkers doing our best, it’s natural to support each other ~ maybe it’s a naive belief, but that’s how I am… I can’t change that much.”

“Y-you should not!!! I m-mean… it’s not naive at all, I think it’s v-very…” Many different words popped in his mind, but he organized his thoughts before saying anything weirder. Don’t fuck it up, Ayase Mayoi. “... v-very admirable…! Yes!!!”

“H-haha… you’re too kind, Ayase-senpai.. ~ ♪ Many thanks…” Hajime hummed without any concern, his cheeks growing red again. He finally released the other’s wrist, rubbing his arms together before looking around, trying to reorient himself.

“So… I w-wont… bother you, Ayase-senpai, I’ll just do my warm ups! Please don’t mind me!” Humming, he walked to a corner taking off his practice jacket under Mayoi’s wide eyes, who just then realized a vital point: he would be right there watching the rabbit stretching, dancing and working out in the same room as him. And as soon as the boy started to sweat…

“S-sure!! P-please!! D-do as you p-pleasehajimesandontmindme!!”

For now Mayoi decided to turn his back from temptation, despite the risk of creating an awkward mood in the room. But making the kouhai uncomfortable was out of question, so hopefully this would suffice to keep himself at bay.

Concentrate on the lesson and leave Hajime-san alone. That was the correct course of action.

At first Hajime felt a little bit awkward indeed, but he didn’t press any further, already grateful the senpai stayed since he knew Mayoi was reserved around people. The last thing he wanted was to make him uncomfortable or push his limits because of his own clinginess and selfish wishes. He just couldn’t help it, chasing for company and running from loneliness was in his blood long before joining Ra*bits and having the convenient excuse of “bunny behavior”. 

But he was aware he shouldn't take advantage of it, just leaving Ayase-senpai alone and not disturbing him.

Focusing again on his goals, Hajime pulled one of the gym mattresses and started his stretching routine, successfully concentrating for a few minutes. It was nice to feel the senpai’s presence in the room even if they weren’t interacting, the sound of his rhythmic steps and casual humming creating a pleasant white noise for his workout and bringing a soft smile to his features. 

“♪ ♪ ♪ ~”

Mayoi had been considerate enough to wear airpods, even though Hajime wouldn’t mind listening to the music he was rehearsing, but it could be an unreleased song from ALKALOID so he didn’t mention it. He could find out later in any case.

And before he realized, the rabbit was sitting on the mattress and watching Mayoi from behind, in awe with the bold moves and the mesmerizing energy emanating from him. Even just in his practice clothes, it was so cool and intense already…

“Ha…jime…ssssssan…?”

The spell broke when Mayoi spinned on his heels and crossed eyes with the boy gazing at him, finding an intense expression that sucked all the concentration out of his soul in a second. He almost lost balance due the shock and a strong shiver running through his spine, cheeks burning in surprise.

So that’s how it feels to be ogled upon instead of the opposite? 

“ A-AH! I’m sorry!!” Embarrassed, Hajime stood up in a fast hop, bowing effusively. “I g-g-g-got distracted watching you dancing! I didn’t mean to… a-ah, sorry, that was weird…”

Not that Mayoi suspected Hajime had an inch of twisted intentions, but it was a new and overwhelming sensation for him anyway. He needed a few moments to process it, shaking his head nervously and trying to tame his spinning mind.

“NO! I m-mean, n-no, not weird, Hajime-san is not weird at aaaaaaall!!! I d-dunno what’s interesting about watching me practicing some wonky steps, thoooough… s-so I was s-surprised!!!”

“.... W-wonky steps?!” Hajime blinked slowly, unable to hide a nervous smile and biting his lip slightly. The last thing he wanted was to be rude, but getting suddenly reminded about the casually extremely talented people walking among simpletons like him could be frustrating… especially when the episode of last night was still so fresh in his heart.

“Ha… Hajime-san…?” Mayoi tilted his head, noticing the sudden change in the boy’s expression and catching a glimpse of pain in his eyes. “Is anything wrong…?”

“A-ah.. I’m.. hm…” Hajime blushed, ashamed and tempted to dismiss it since he didn’t want to burden anyone with his issues… but something in the kind voice and genuine concern coming from Mayoi melted his defenses and he offered a sad honest smile.

“S-sorry, it’s just… I’m always struggling with my abilities, so… it’s impossible to not compare myself with others, sometimes. P-please don’t mind me! I just think you are really amazing, I wanna be skilled like that someday… I’m working hard for it…!”

“Ah… Hajime-san…?” Despite the tentatively upbeat speech, Mayoi could notice the insecurities creeping in those words. It was painful to see, after all he knew the rabbit was always shedding sweat and tears to grow as a proper idol out of sheer effort. And still, like he had witnessed on that rooftop, their unfair and ruthless world offers no mercy even to the cutest, hardworking little ones.

“So that’s how it is…” Mayoi mumbled to himself, realizing that even if he didn’t think he was amazing or worth any praise, self-deprecating now would just hurt and insult Hajime instead. So he kept it to himself and focused on the boy in front of him, daring to smile in return with a wild idea rushing in his mind.

“Ha… Hajime-san, you are improving a lot too..! I k-know you are doing your best… hm…and… i-if… if it’s d-d-d–dance… I…”

Hajime tilted his head, just watching Mayoi’s face growing red, his eyes darting to the floor and hand pressing his own arm, his whole body shaking. He suddenly seemed at the verge of a panic attack even worse than at the gardenia fields, worrying the rabbit. 

“Ayase-senpai… p-please… take deep breaths…” He risked taking a step closer, mindful to not scare him away and offering the calmest tone he had in store. 

“If you wanna say something, I’m listening. I’d be happy to hear, so please feel free to tell me.”

The soothing approach almost brought Mayoi to overwhelmed tears again, recalling their first meeting where he ended up calling Hajime an angel at first sight and embarrassing himself while sick. He had gone through a lot since then, getting through crowds, making friends, standing on stage… overcoming challenges beyond his imagination. So he didn’t need to communicate only through notes from the shadows anymore, when they were eye to eye once again.

Taking a deep breath, he cleared his throat and focused on those angelic purple eyes to speak the words tangled in his throat.

“I just… I mean… I t-trained Aira-san and the others… so… it m-might sound presumptuous coming from me… b-but… w-we can share a lesson or two…! T-they say I’m good at it… I mean… j-just an idea… y-you don’t have… to…”

The seconds between his voice fading in a whisper and the wait for Hajime’s reaction felt like an eternity as he witnessed the bunny’s calm expression changing to wide-eyed surprise. 

“Wah… ? F-FOR REAL?” 

Terrified, Mayoi was about to open his mouth again, but Hajime hopped closer to him faster than his whims to dismiss the idea, big eyes staring in awe and jaw dropped.

“I m-mean… t-that’s very kind of you, Ayase-senpai… I wouldn’t dream of bothering you like that…! I…” He recollected himself after a moment, smiling nervously and thinking calmly before showering the senior with more words.

“A-Aira-kun always praises your teaching abilities, so… ahaha, sorry… I got very excited suddenly, out of surprise.” That was the reason for his cheeks warming up so fast too, he believed. “If… if it’s not a problem, I would happily accept…! Please, I’ll be in your care!”

Mayoi could barely believe Hajime was really bowing before him and accepting the offer so enthusiastically without any hesitation. Not only did it feel too good to be true, but the eagerness coming from the rabbit was surprising too - not a bad thing to witness though, rather the opposite. 

He couldn’t help but wonder what else could be hidden within the always well-behaved little rabbit… But after a second he properly gathered his thoughts again, a large shark smile shining on his features and heart racing in excitement rather than fear.

“A-ah… I’m glad, really glad! T-thank you! L-let us do our best together, Hajime-san ~ ♪”