[HajiMayo] The time you spend on your rose - I

[anakiddwrites]

Chapter 1: Paper planes in the night

 

Hajime makes himself upset over mean online comments and finds comfort in an unexpected way.

 [ He is cute, but… boring zzzz.]

[ Ra*bits just need to be cute, after all. So whatever. ]

[ That’s why he’s my least favorite. Like, it’s soooo forced… ]

[No wonder they don’t get more interesting choreographies, this guy would die.]

[Some agencies think a cute face makes up for everything, but this doesn’t fly in the long run. Rhylin needs to wake the fuck up!]

[That’s one of the reasons I can’t stand Ra*bits, honestly.

It’s all so fake and annoying…

and the worst of the worst is Hajime Shino.]

 

It’s not healthy to indulge in the rabbit hole of internet hate or you will never know peace. The toxicity online is massive and won’t do any good taking such comments to heart, for they will bomb your self-worth and motivation in no time. Worst case scenario, they have the potential to dissolve everything you love to do into a sour puddle of self-hatred.

Hajime knew that very well, in theory. But somehow he couldn’t stop himself from doom scrolling on his phone for minutes now, absorbing each mean and condescending word about his idol skills. It was like a trainwreck he wasn’t capable of looking away from, even though it was breaking his heart bit by bit like a piercing hammer and chisel would do.

“I’m… doing my best… even though I’m… working so hard… isn’t it enough…?”

All the days and nights spent in practice rooms, all the motivation from seniors and unit mates, all the sweat and tears and bruises from long lesson sessions and extra training… everything he held dearly and proudly until now, quickly turning into a bad joke under the swarm of endless cold words stacked on a small screen.

“It will be… ever enough…?” 

Five minutes of self-inflicted hate search and he was already feeling like that weak middle schooler again, surrounded by bullies, scared and powerless. Aware he couldn’t hold back the tears any longer, he buried his face on his knees to hide even from himself.

Ah, if only he could be like Itsuki-senpai and just ax it all away. But the impact of those messages was hitting too deep and too fast, piling up with other insecurities and triggering chain reactions really hard to take control of.

“... am I even… really fit for this… or I’m just really…holding everyone back…”

Being alone with his demons was hardly a good idea, but he couldn’t afford to let anyone see him at such a low point. And privacy in such a huge shared dorm can be really tricky, so he didn’t have a lot of choices of what to do or where to escape… But at least he was covered by the starless night on the empty ES rooftop, where no one could stop him from indulging in misery for however long he wished to.

Or so he thought.

He was too engrossed in his grief to be fully aware of his surroundings, so when he finally noticed a carefully folded paper plane laying at his feet, it felt like it had popped there magically. 

“What… w-wha?? W-who?? I-is someone here??” Hajime had to blink twice to believe his own eyes, before looking around nervously to check if anyone was witnessing his embarrassing breakdown. But only the light breeze greeted his face, making his hair flutter slightly and dancing in the silent shadows.

“J-just the wind… the wind…” He whispered to himself, rubbing his arms and trying to shawn away the inconvenient feeling of being watched. Rumors of ghosts weren’t new to the building’s usual gossip, but Hajime never had paid it any attention - and he sure wished he didn’t need to change his mind anytime soon.

“[When in doubt, offer a prayer to the wandering souls]... that’s what Kazehaya-senpai told me before… I’ll keep it in mind.”

Hajime sighed and wiped his tears, picking up the mysterious paper plane to take a closer look, noticing some letters written on it under the phone’s light. More intrigued by the second, he unfolded it slowly just to have his jaw dropping at the content.

 

“I’m so sorry, it must be hurting a lot. Do you wanna talk about it? Maybe some chocolate? It 's yours!!! You can get it! All of it!”

 

“C-chocolate?? Talk?” Hajime gasped loudly, smashing the paper in his hands instinctively and looking around again nervously. Even if the words were friendly, his mind wasn’t in the best place to begin with so he couldn’t help but feel anxious about being watched.

And finding a chocolate bar carefully placed on the floor in the middle of the terrace when he turned back wasn’t exactly the best for his nerves, making the rabbit jump back almost two meters.

“WHAT?” He clutched the smashed paper close to his chest, heartbeats rising. “W-who is here? W-what do you want…!?”

Only the sound of his own heavy breathing answered his pleas, and even scooping the area with wide eyes Hajime wasn’t able to identify any presence. It was frustrating, but… after a moment, he slided against the wall, shrugging and staring at the paper.

“...I-it’s just… not a good time… sorry…” He vented in a calmer voice, a little bit of guilt poking him for being so defensive. “T-thanks for the nice message…! It’s just… something embarrassing… and really dumb, so…”

A few moments later, Hajime felt another paper plane landing on his knees, unfolding it only to find another message of solidarity.

 

“It’s not dumb, I’m sure! Sometimes things are tough… and you can’t help but feel sad! I’m sorry for the bother, Hajime-san! It was just painful to see you crying alone! I’ll stop bothering now…! Please keep the chocolate!”

 

“Ah… N-no, it’s okay!” Hajime blinked, his cheeks painting a light red as he shook his head strongly, looking up to the shadows almost like yearning for it. The words just came out without further thoughts, therefore genuine.

“I’m not bothered! T-thank you… I appreciate…” He managed to smile a little, holding the letter closer to the heart. It was so easy to win his sympathy even in such suspicious circumstances that he felt a bit self-conscious, but… Those hateful messages lured their way into his heart despite being faceless as well, so accepting comfort from the shadows seemed particularly fitting.

“... are… are you still here?” Hajime added softly after silence fell around him again, brushing his hair behind his ear. Now able to watch the third paper plane coming from the shadows, he smiled fondly and caught it in the air.

 

“I’m still here… do you need something? Anything! Anything you want!”

 

“Ahaha… What are you, a fairy?” Hajime giggled, amused and already feeling more relaxed with his new “friend”. People at Ensemble Square have all types of customs and quirks after all, so that wasn’t the weirdest thing he had experienced by miles. Once the first shock wore off, it was actually quite sweet… and reminded him some of the wonders of living in this unique hot pot of the idol world.

“... I don’t need.. something, exactly. I’m just happy you are here.” Hajime tilted his head, finally answering the question but second guessing himself right after. “A-ah, sorry… t-that silly, isn't it…? B-but I mean it…! E-even if I sneaked out to cry alone out of shame… Thanks for finding me, honestly. It feels good.”

Silence fell between then once again, as if both were out of words. Hajime didn’t press further, folding the paper planes back again and understanding if the fairy would choose to leave now for whatever reason… Even if he was curious and didn’t want to be alone anymore, it wasn’t fair to demand even more attention.

But after a few moments a new silent message landed at his feet, received with immediate joy.

 

“You have nothing to be ashamed of, Hajime-san. You work hard… you are honest, kind and understanding to everyone… you are so patient and share love no matter where you go… if someone is mean to you… if someone says the opposite… they just don’t know you even the tiniest bit.”

 

Ah.. they sure don’t, do they? That’s the whole deal with internet hate. Faceless strangers that just see you as a target, barely a human being… in theory, such opinions shouldn’t even be taken into consideration, but the mental damage is very real and just the small taste Hajime experienced was a good sample of this poison. Hopefully it wasn’t strong enough to stay in his system for the long run, as long as he didn’t get to consume more. Not that he planned to, absolutely.

And another small plane landed on his chest while he was still processing the previous message.

 

“Was someone mean to you?”

 

A shiver ran through Hajime’s spine reading it, somehow feeling a different tone from the exact same handwriting. Perhaps because the short and direct message ressoed a sharp resolve in contrast with the solicit overzealous attitude from the others.

Well, some fairies are warriors too. A bookworm like Hajime knows that very well.

“I mean… yes.” He sighed, closing his eyes and leaning back on the wall behind him. Perhaps a confession to the shadows would help his heart to feel more at ease.

“But it’s not… someone specifically. I mean, it’s definitely someone, but… ah.” He waved the phone in his hand, struggling to explain himself. “Internet mean comments… about me. About my idol skills… charisma… t-this kind of thing…”

He lowered his head, rubbing his eyes strongly to try fighting the tears’ attempt to return. 

“I know I shouldn’t be reading it…! Everyone advised me before about not dwelling on online opinions… or if you do, be extra careful to not drown in a cesspool. I always… I was always careful, b-but…”

A sob escaped involuntarily, making him embarrassed of the tears and the cracking voice, covering his face. But the answer was simply another paper plane, along with a pack of tissues slowly rolling to his side from the shadows. Already used to the dynamic of this conversation and genuinely grateful, Hajime grabbed a tissue to wipe his tears and nose.

 

“You don’t need to keep talking if you don’t wanna… if it hurts…”

 

“T-thank you… It’s okay, though… I’m just… extra sad my little brother got involved in this and I couldn’t do anything, you know…? You see, how this whole thing started… he got into an online fight about me, and that’s how I ended up stumbling on this… forum where they were flaming me. He… I found him at home crying out of anger and frustration… he tried so hard to defend me and was also caught in the f-flaming… he was insulted too…”

A forced pause and a deep breath. Good thing there were more tissues.

“I… I sheltered myself from online hate, I took my precautions… b-but I didn’t protect my family… I was careless… t-that hurts… even more than those mean comments, you know… I m-mean, those hurt too.. ah, it’s just… a lot of hurt, at once… s-sorry, that’s a lot of rambling and it’s not your problem at all...”

Verbalizing it all, Hajime realized it was really a lot and no wonder he was so overwhelmed and sensitive, but venting it all felt refreshing like taking a shower after rolling on the mud. As his tears slowly ceased and his breathing returned to normal, another paper plane arrived, carrying more kind words.

 

“I understand… don’t be sorry, please! You didn’t do anything wrong, you couldn’t know… your brother defended you because he loves you. Just like you love him! So it’s gonna be alright. Such mean comments shouldn’t exist in the first place, but…  they don’t define who you are…! Not at all.”

 

A new wave of overwhelmed tears forced Hajime to grab more tissues before he ended up wetting the gentle letter, but at least now the crying came hand in hand with a soft smile. After reading the words over and over again, he folded the paper as small as he could and slipped into his pocket, a different fate from the others that returned to the shape of a plane.

“Sorry I just… I might read it a few more times… if you don’t mind. Thank you, fairy-san.” Hajime offered a bright honest smile to the shadows, the first one of such a stressful day. That outcome sure was better than crying himself to sleep all alone.

After a few moments of sharing a calm silence, Hajime caught the next paper plane, having the feeling it would be the last one. And considering the letters seemed more shaky and unaligned than before, the fairy should be needing some rest at this point, too.

 

“Don’t mention it….,, you can 

k eep the choco  late,,,.. 

please!!!”

 

“Ehe ~ ♪ Thank you… you are a very kind fairy.” Humming, Hajime stood up with a carefree smile and hopped to pick up the small bar, opening it and taking a generous bite.

“Hmhm ~ sweet treats are the best to cheer us up, too… I… I… hm…………. ”

He was almost finishing the candy when his body felt light and his consciousness started to drift away really fast towards the world of dreams. Perhaps he would find some fairies there, but surely not like the one who caught him in his trembling arms before he would hit the ground, shaky gloved hands holding him close when he couldn’t look into his eyes anymore.

 “Sorry… I’m ssssorry…. j-just… sleep… y-you need to sleeeep, angel…”

 

When Hajime opened his eyes again early in the morning, there was no sign of fairies, paper planes or starless sky anymore. Staring at the ceiling of his own room, tucked in his bed without shoes and still wearing the same clothes from the night before, he needed a few moments to reorient himself and slowly gather the memories back.

“... was it all… a dream…?” He mused, sitting on the bed and rubbing his eyes. Yawning and stretching, a satisfied smile came to his face naturally for the very good sleep he had, even though he didn’t remember coming back to his room and passing out without changing into pajamas.

“In any case, I feel rested… hm, why is it here..?” He tilted head, a bit surprised to find his phone under the pillow when he usually would keep it on the nightstand next to the bed. But he ultimately shrugged it off, pushing away the temptation of checking that site again. Even if it was a dream, he didn’t want to waste the kind fairy’s effort.

“I gotta call my little brother and check on him now that I feel better… hm?” 

Casually standing up and starting to change, he noticed a small piece of paper falling from his back pocket, which he immediately recognized. At first he couldn’t believe his own eyes, but unfolding it and rereading those words brought tears to his eyes again. Grateful tears, of course.

And then he realized a faint taste of chocolate was still lingering on his tongue as well.

“Thank you, fairy-san… ~ I’ll keep it between you and I. All of it, ehe ~ ♪”

Hajime chose to carefully clip the folded letter to a page of his favorite bunny notebook, safe inside his drawer. He also chose to not think too much about the way the night ended, since he could tell the support had been genuine and very helpful to tame his inner demons when they were getting the best of him in a moment of fragility. 

Hajime wasn’t one to believe in ghosts, aware it should be simply someone very much alive playing a role and unable to reach him directly for whatever reason. Still, it would be nice to know if he was on the right track calling them a fairy…

“But a fairy living in the shadows… watching over you… isn’t more like a phantom? ~ ♪”

For sure he would be thinking fondly about it for a long time.